Mending

Hello my friends--I’m sorry to have kept you waiting. I’ve had several people tell me they’ve been checking my blog daily to see if I’m better and have been repeatedly disappointed. My recovery continues to be a series of ups and downs; no steady upward continuum, unfortunately. I suppose I just need lots of time at this point. Which is difficult for me to adjust to--I am not the sedentary type, and it is very frustrating for me to be out of work. I know that I could be using this time to do all those things that have been nagging me for months, like purging a few years’ worth of old paperwork, organizing my jumbled heaps of photos, and practicing my piano playing--but somehow it’s just not going that way. For one thing, my medicine schedule is pretty intense: I have to do some form of IV meds four times per day, plus two hour-long sessions of nebulizing. Sometimes I can consolidate my bouts of medicating, but not enough to keep it from consuming a large part of my day. Alas.

I have frequently found myself in a state of pensive calm this past week. Or you could call it zoning out, daydreaming, withdrawing from this careworn world. Whatever it is, it’s provided me with a few small answers to a single looming question preying upon my mind lately: what am I going to do with my life? So far all I have is this: learn to swing dance, take guitar lessons, and start painting again. A good start. I need more joy in my life. However, art, music and joyfulness won’t pay my bills for me. Reality sure is a pain in the ass. Hence my withdrawal into my daydreams and longing for poetry. I think I will spend the day there instead.

here are just a few of my favorite photos I took while in the hospital:
night sky from my room


IV stands outside the elevator


daily nurse assignment


shiny backlit gauges on my wall


Point Loma, San Diego Bay, and the ocean from the front of the hospital on my floor