San Diego Fires Day Six

9:04 a.m.
I can't believe it's been six days. In a way it seems like this whole nightmare just started. But it's also been interminable--the waiting to see just how much the fires would ravage; my feelings of uselessness as I sit in my apartment unable to go outside due to the terrible air quality; just plain cabin fever due to my self-imposed seclusion.

The fires are still burning, but they seem to have dramatically slowed their advance. The Witch Fire is 45% contained now, and the Harris Fire is 20% contained. "Full containment" is expected by October 28th and 31st, respectively, but they won't be under "full control" until November 4th. The total number of acres burned has not increased significantly since I last reported statistics--it's about 325,000 acres. More to follow when I'm more fully awake...

2:22 p.m.
I haven't found any significant news about the fires since this morning. I take this as a very good sign. While it's true that they are still burning, and there are still people who are not allowed home (if they have a home to go back to) the worst really does appear to be behind us. I'm not the praying type, but I'm hoping with every molecule in my body that this is so. There are a few friends of mine whom I haven't heard from and this worries me.

I've had the opportunity over the past several days to do a lot of ruminating about human behavior (quite by coincidence, I was just listening to Bjork singing the song by that name a few seconds ago).

Something that I believe to be true is that disaster--much like being drunk tends to exaggerate people’s personalities on one end of the spectrum or the other--brings out either the very best or the very worst in us. There have been so many incidences of people going out of their way to help others this past week it’s been truly heartwarming and inspiring. And then there is the other side of the coin, the people whose actions I simply cannot fathom; those who prey upon the suffering and use tragedy to serve their own selfish ends. Lisa found somebody on the internet who was offering a pet shelter service--for sixty dollars a night. What an ass. And there are countless other looters and price-gougers and thieves. But then there are also people who could easily turn a profit from the disaster and instead choose to do the opposite--a hotel in Pacific Beach has offered free rooms to evacuees. Like the political situation in our country the past 7 years, these fires have proved to be a polarizing event. I’m happy to say that I’ve at least witnessed firsthand much more of the good side than the bad.

I've been doing a lot of introspection as well. Many things I won’t write about in such a public space, but I am learning a lot about myself. I’ve learned that I have a real need to be helpful and useful; I’ve always known this to some extent, and called it my “I need to save the world complex.” But I never knew just how miserable I could be if rendered unable to exercise these urges. Having to stay inside and not be out there helping has really upset me. Hence the cookie-baking for the firefighters.

I’ve also learned that I’m much more concerned about how I look than I thought I was. This is somewhat of a shock and rather disappointing, to boot. I’ve noticed that when going outside wearing my mask, I’m incredibly self-conscious. And why should I be? Why do I care what others think of me? I think that one thing that is going on in my brain is concern that people will think I’m some sort of over-worried hypochondriac person who probably washes her hands 8 zillion times a day and sprays down her surroundings with hand sanitizer. Honestly; my lung condition is not obvious to anyone. But I need to get over it. It’s difficult to, however, when even some grown-ups can’t handle the situation gracefully.

Yesterday I actually drove by a man riding on a bicycle who pointed at me, laughed, made masking motions with his hand, and laughed again. And he had a child with him. At least all his son/nephew/little brother did was stare. My feelings were actually hurt for a few seconds before I snapped out of it and realized that if anyone should be feeling bad, it should be him. It’s hard to maintain that stiff upper lip, though. This afternoon I walked to Jyoti-Bihanga, the vegetarian place half a block away, and was stared at by an entire roomful of diners when I walked in, and particularly on my way out, since I had to put the mask on before I went out the door while my hands were free. I swear the conversation stopped as I walked by. It’s unnerving to walk past that many people who are all frankly appraising you while knowing you look a bit odd.

I’m also a little concerned at how few other people I’ve seen wearing masks. During the Cedar Fires four years ago, practically everybody was wearing some sort of protection for at least a few days. But because the particulate pollution is not as visible this time around, I suppose people are taking it for granted that the air is harmless.

I’m really upset, actually, that so many people were out today with their small children playing in the park. The air is still in the “unhealthy for sensitive groups” to “unhealthy” ranges today. The only other people I saw with masks were a man riding his bike, and a guy standing on the street corner spinning a sign. Absolutely everybody else is out and about conducting business as usual, sucking loads of tiny particles into their lungs. Perhaps I’m just jealous that they can be so cavalier about it all, while I have to take extensive measures to protect myself. My lungs have been suffering, anyhow, no matter what I do. It’s impossible to keep this stuff out.