Introspection

I have spent much of my afternoon reading blogs written by other people--people who are delving into matters of much more sociopolitical relevance than I do on mine. This bothers me. Not because I feel inadequate or incapable of discussing situations more pressing than how my doctor’s visit went today, but because I am not doing so. I am not doing so largely because I’m feeling mired down with survival tactics rather than real honest-to-god living. I’m having a difficult time confronting all the myriad things I find wrong in the world around me because my own life is snaring so much of my emotional energy. Even though I feel justified in not being able to devote too much of my energy to crucial cultural events, I can’t help but think that someone who feels the way I do about social affairs has no business ignoring the world around me.

That said, I really think you should take a look at what others have to say: this is a blog entry about an artist who has more nerve and courage than I could imagine; I don’t think I could even have watched her show without running out of the room in squeamish terror. This blog post is by my friend who has been in Jordan for nearly a year; my favorite posts of hers are always the analytical ones where she digs deep into the core of human relations and the often ensuing psychological fallout .

I have been thinking rather intently of late about what the hell I want to do with my life. I’m a little old, I admit, to still be in the early stages of figuring out what I want to be when I grow up, but that is the truth of where I am. I had a great discussion the other day with a very kind, enthusiastic, and friendly young woman at Stone. She had taken my tour and somehow got me to talk about my Master’s in Education and my brief dabbling in the teaching profession. She is a teacher herself and is thriving at her job in Santa Cruz. She listened patiently to my reasons for not feeling up to teaching in the public education sphere--too damn many students to take care of, which strips you of much of your ability to actually CARE for them; too many restrictions from the administration about how you can teach in your classroom (don’t flunk too many students, it makes us look bad! Who cares if they’re reading at a second grade level as a high school junior?); etc. I enjoyed her non-judgmental sympathy and acknowledgment of our educational system's shortcomings, even though she has managed to flourish and maintains some real enthusiasm about her job.

Last weekend, after our dance troupe’s performance at the fair, I stayed at Evie’s house for a while. At one point, her cousin, Jessica, who is a beginning teacher, shared a lot of what she’s dealing with at her school. J is the kind of teacher I always thought I would be, but in reality, I’m just not strong-willed enough or don’t have enough guts to be that person. I’m not being overly hard on myself; I’m just finally coming to terms with who I am. Yes, I’m disappointed that I will never be that hero-teacher. But I simply don’t have the nerve to stand up to an entire school administration and say “Screw you, I am going to give those students who plagiarized their papers zeros and I don’t care if their parents call you to bitch about it.” This is the kind of thing that J does say.

Jessica is an inspiration; she is the epitome of what a teacher should be. She cares about her students deeply but doesn’t let them get away with sub-par work. She has been written up four times in the past month--as far as I can tell, mostly for being a good teacher and standing her ground. She wouldn’t let ROTC come into her classroom to recruit her students. Good for her! Specifically, she got written up for telling them “F- you. You’re not talking to my students!” Particularly when they had actually asked to speak only to the minority kids. I’m not kidding. They apparently didn’t want to enlist the white kids who were ostensibly much more college-worthy or would complain too much about being used as cannon fodder.

Through these conversations I’ve had with other teachers lately, I’ve realized that I have been right in my nagging feelings that I’m not a good fit in the public school system. I am chagrined about my shortcomings, but I’m being honest with myself and that’s a bit freeing. Constant battling with administrations and being asked to defend myself and my actions would require more psychological energy than I possess, not to mention that I am simply not as courageous as I’d like to be and probably would do as I’m told and then feel resentful about it and disappointed in myself for caving in. I need to turn this disappointment into something else. Use it as fuel to get my ass in gear and find that career niche that I really do fit into.

Please submit job offers to my secretary, Bob.